But just because we agree on most of the outcomes doesn't mean Reilly's not going to express his picks quite stupidly. Just watch.
NBA playoffs: Predictions and dreams
These are happy days.
Not when you keep insisting on writing basketball articles for some strange reason.
For one thing, I get to type the phrase "Barry Bonds, convicted felon" the rest of my life.
Technically, yes, and I'm not a Barry Bonds fan either, but he was only convicted on the least of the charges. He'll probably just get a few months of home confinement. Not worth gloating over, really.
For two, I'm quite sure I'll never need to spell the name Charl Schwartzel again.
Now I know less about golf than Reilly does about basketball, but how are you absolutely certain the guy is never going to do anything important again? Is he Mormon?
For three, I can chart exactly how the NBA playoffs are going to go down. I'm about to make your bookie drink Natty Lights until Christmas. You're welcome.
FIRST ROUND
New Orleans Hornets vs. Los Angeles Lakers -- Forget it. Without David West, even Chris Paul on a "Limitless" pill can't win two games in this series. Lakers in 5, and Paul calls Student Movers the next day.
I had to google "Limitless". That movie passed entirely below my consciousness. You're 0 for 1, Reilly.
Did I dream that? In a gesture of reconciliation toward national gay and lesbian rights groups, Kobe wears Nike Rainbow Dunks.
0 for 2. The first time I read through this, I didn't get the hook of the article until about halfway through. These weren't even registering as jokes.
Denver Nuggets vs. Oklahoma City Thunder -- The Thunder, everybody's cool new kid in class, is about to get a wedgie in front of the whole playground. Since the Nuggets traded Melo on Feb. 21, they've been the third-winningest team in the league (.720). They have double-kick-start Tar Heel point guards who can drive, score or feed to six other scorers. Who you gonna guard on the last shot? Nuggets in 7, proving George Karl should've been Coach of the Year.
Ho.Ly. Crap. You are really going to do that less than two months after this? You ripped one of those two Tar Heel point guards, and three of those six other scorers. You called them "The four best mountain climbers in Nebraska". Has your tune changed now that you've actually, I don't know, seen them play? Maybe you shouldn't have written a knee-jerk reaction piece with no research done whatsoever. But that would require actually doing some work.
Did I dream that? So many points are scored at Oklahoma City Arena in Game 2, everybody gets eight tacos.
So they're going to score 800 points? You do know the Thunder are much improved on defense with Kenrick Perkins now, right? Or am I just informing you Kendrick Perkins was traded to the Thunder?
Or do you not even know who Kendrick Perkins is? I'm going with this one.
Memphis Grizzlies vs. San Antonio Spurs -- Never pick a team with Zach Randolph on it. He has an extra punk chromosome. What's remarkable is that Memphis coach Lionel Hollins looked like a guy TRYING to lose so he could play the Spurs in the first round. Hollins is like Phil Mickelson with two drivers. He thinks too much. Spurs in 6.
Golf reference #2, along with more insightful basketball analysis from 2003. I'm sure you haven't seen Zach Randolph play this year, but for whatever reason he's actually trying. And Memphis wasn't shy at all about the fact that they'd rather match up with the Spurs than the Lakers. The Spurs are a little banged up right now (and Bynum wasn't hurt at the time).
Did I dream that? Manu Ginobili flops so bad in Game 5 he gets a yellow card.
Let's see if Reilly can shoehorn in a reference to every other sport in this column somewhere.
Portland Trail Blazers vs. Dallas Mavericks -- What do Oasis, Winona Ryder and the Mavericks have in common? They're massive underachievers. When Dallas loses this one, it'll be four first-round punch-outs in the last five playoffs. Portland in 7, and let's see if anybody in Dallas has the nerve to call out Mark Cuban, cyberbully.
Oasis and Winona Ryder. That's what the whippersnappers are talking about these days, right?
Did I dream that? In attempting to break an attendance record, Cuban gets arrested by the Dallas Fire Department for using Jerry Jones' temporary Super Bowl seats.
What did Cuban do to Reilly? No, seriously.
Indiana Pacers vs. Chicago Bulls -- Indiana relies on Roy Hibbert. Chicago relies on Derrick Rose. Roy Hibbert leaves his feet and you can almost get a magazine under his shoes. Derrick Rose leaves his feet, makes a ham-and-cheese omelette, and still gets the hoop. Derrick Rose is the most thrilling player in the NBA and this is a very delicious era in the NBA. Chicago in 4.
So of all the matchups in this series, you decided the deciding one would be Derrick Rose's jumping ability vs. Roy Hibbert's? Not Deng vs. Danny Granger on the wing? Not whether Boozer shows up on D against Hansbrough in the post? No, it's coming down to Rose's hops. Take it to your Natty Lite drinking bookie!
Did I dream that? An angry Michael Jordan announces his comeback at halftime of Game 2, spurred by Rose not saying hello to him during warm-ups.
...huh?
Philadelphia 76ers vs. Miami Heat -- The Heat are fueled by emotion more than any other team in the league. The world will be watching them in this series. Every time the Heat have been written off, they've gathered themselves. They've won eight of their last 10 and are rolling -- for now. Miami in 5, and then it gets nasty.
...You can't name a single player on the 76ers, can you?
Did I dream that? At the Philadelphia Four Seasons, Gloria James' car is retrieved in record time.
I don't get this one, either.
Atlanta Hawks vs. Orlando Magic -- Two odd teams. Orlando shoots jumpers even though it has Dwight Howard.
And a bunch of very good three point shooters.
Atlanta shoots jumpers even though it has Josh Smith.
Yeah, they probably shouldn't.
Atlanta is the quittingest team in the league. Orlando in 6.
Did I dream that? At halftime of Game 4, Howard balances 18 Taipei gymnasts on his shoulders.
These Eastern Conference jokes are the opposite of funny.
New York Knicks vs. Boston Celtics -- Boston is the John McCain of these playoffs. Great story, good ideas, too old. If New York had just one more big, it could win this, but it insisted on Chauncey Billups instead. Plus, Rajon Rondo is a god. Boston in 6, Southies throw wicked rager.
I thought Chauncey Billups was the key to all that is good and holy in Denver, and could do no wrong. And Timothy Mozgov, the "one more big" you mentioned, doesn't actually exist. You wrote these things two months ago.
Did I dream that? Knicks guard Landry Fields has five steals in the game, two of them from Carmelo Anthony.
CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS
Denver vs. San Antonio -- The Spurs were a great dynasty, but they are collapsing from within. Their center cannot hold. Tim Duncan will be 35 by this series and wearing down, bone on bone, spitting sawdust, tilting as he walks. The New Nuggets, growing stronger with every week they're together, take the No. 1 offense in the NBA and make it better. Denver's Psychology Today centerfold J.R. Smith can either be a disaster or a miracle in this series, but here he parts the seas. Denver in 7, David Stern pukes.
That 2nd to last sentence is the worst thing ever written. And why do you think Stern would puke? You think he wants San Antonio and their small market in the finals every year, no matter what he may say publicly? Everyone is jumping on the Denver bandwagon, they're a great story. I'm sure the NBA would love a Denver-Chicago final over anything other than LA vs. Chicago/Boston/Miami/New York.
Did I dream that? Carmelo's request to be traded back is denied.
Portland vs. Los Angeles -- Yes, Portland is long, but have you seen the Lakers? It's like trying to shoot in the Muir Woods. Their two 7-footers make Brandon Roy weep for Greg Oden. Look out -- the Lakers are getting better as the playoffs get deeper, as usual. Lakers in 5.
Golf reference #3, I think? And I'd take Aldridge over Gasol at this point. The Lakers will win because of Kobe, not Gasol. And I'd be a little worried if I was the Lakers here.
Did I dream that? Lakers forward Lamar Odom takes time during Game 2 to quickly smooch fiancée reality-star Khloe Kardashian, only to realize it's actually Blazers forward Luke Babbitt.
You looked Luke Babbitt up. Don't lie, Reilly.
Orlando vs. Chicago -- Chicago was 10 games better than the Magic in the regular season. Granted, this isn't the regular season, which is the point. Rose gets more hell-bent in the playoffs. And do you really want to bet on a team that reserves a significant role for Gilbert Arenas? Chicago in 6.
Did I dream that? In Game 3, Rose scores 42 points, 11 of them after being Tasered by Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy.
Is this because Van Gundy looks vaguely like a cop? Because of the stache? Lazy effort.
Boston vs. Miami -- The showcase series of the playoffs. So many stars, some are in the third row. Rondo locks up Dwyane Wade, but LeBron, making up for the hot mess he put on in the 2010 playoffs, averages 38 and 8 and three new dance moves a night. Boston might've won this if it'd known Shaq was going to be the first superstar to retire and still show up for games. Miami in 7.
They really shouldn't have relied on Shaq. That was pretty stupid.
Did I dream that? Kevin Garnett bangs his forehead on the stanchion afterward.
CONFERENCE FINALS
Denver vs. Los Angeles -- This one is as one-sided as The Falkland Islands War. The Nuggets are toast from two seven-game series and the Lakers still haven't been pushed to a sixth game. Lakers in 5.
Another timely reference there, Reilly. Now shoehorn some more golf in, somehow.
Did I dream that? Phil Jackson, on the brink of retiring, loses his cool afterward, barking, "Do you realize I'm going for my fourth three-peat? That means I'll have had four times as many three-peats as Coach of the Year Awards! Nice going, writers. You morons could screw up a Cuban election."
Aren't you a writer? God I hope you don't actually have a vote.
Miami vs. Chicago -- With home-court advantage, the Bulls weather the wave after wave of attacks on Rose. Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer dominate the Heat's weakness in the paint. Pat Riley is so upset he actually gets a gray hair. Bulls in 7. Bye, bye Superfriends.
Did I dream that? To mock LeBron James' continued failures with buzzer-beaters, thousands of Cleveland fans attend Game 5 and hold up a giant "The Frozen One" banner.
There's no way there will be thousands of tickets available for a Game 5 in Chicago, but if there were, I hope the citizens of Cleveland could come up with a better joke than that.
FINALS
Los Angeles vs. Chicago -- The Lakers fall apart like a Jenga tower. Andrew Bynum's legs give out. Kobe's shoulder gives out. Pau Gasol's knee gives out. Rose is so quick and full of energy against the Lakers, he looks like a squirrel trapped inside an assisted living home. Bulls in 6, Rose in full bloom.
Don't need to dream that.
I only have three series different than Reilly, Thunder over Nuggets, then Spurs, then Lakers. I almost want to go back and change all my other picks now. Great.
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