We Haven't Pointed Out How Stupid Rick Reilly is in Awhile

So the last person not named Reilly we took down had some interesting (read: stupid) thoughts about wearing jerseys to games. I guess Reilly got jealous we pointed our stupid rays elsewhere, because he decided to write a jersey article even worse. At least that other guy had the excuse of a Bryan Stowe knee-jerk reaction. Reilly's stupidity is just out of the blue. Let's point out all the ways he is wrong, because that's what we do around here.

The Jersey Rules

What a straightforward title. I feel ripped off. Come on, Rick, hit me with some terrible puns!

The three fastest-growing diseases in America today are diabetes, Lyme disease, and sports jerseys.

Diabetes, yes. Is Lyme disease really growing that rapidly, or another bad joke? I can't tell anymore.

Wearing a jersey used to be for kids. You be Tom Brady and I'll be Darrelle Revis. Now people with actual jobs are wearing them. At 6, it's adorable. At 36, deplorable.

Jerseys? Horrible. Wicked like Madam Morrible. My tupperware? It's storable.

I believe Reilly just kicked off a Beastie Boys song.

You can't swing your arms at an NFL game without hitting somebody in one. (A very good idea, by the way.)

You say it's your way of expressing devotion to your team? I say try a hat. It doesn't make you look like an adult Trick-or-Treater.

You mean like this?

What's your jersey dream? Someone shrieking, "Oh, my God! There's Brian Urlacher! Oh, wait. No, no. It's just Justin from purchasing."?

Yes, because that's exactly what I think when I wear my jersey to the game. "Someone is going to confuse me with Lance Briggs today!"

Women in jerseys? Fine. But dude, you're really going out with another man's name on your back? Do you have no male pride?

Homophobia much, Reilly? I have no problem with Derrick Rose knowing my true feelings for him.

But like gluten-free beer, the jersey flood seems un-damn-able. But can we at least have some rules?

There it is! Although I have to admit I'm not getting this one. Is the beer un-dam-able? And the jersey flood un-damn-able? Or is it the other way around? Or is it a special Reilly pun that loops both ways, creating a Reilly-vortex? We're through the looking glass here, people.

Also, you don't have to drink gluten-free beer. It can't hurt you.

Jersey Rule No. 1: You may not wear a jersey past age 29.

Exceptions:

a) You are immediately related to the person whose name is on the back.

b) You are the person whose name is on the back. (Team photo required.)

Going to be breaking this one in a couple of months. And won't feel bad about it either, because, snark aside, the good thing about being a sports fan is being transported to a more simple time. Being a sports fan makes you feel young again, to a place where you can root for another grown man with all your heart. That's the entire point. Actual fans understand that. And it feels like there are more and more fans all the time. Which is a good thing. (As long as we weed out the ones who go overboard with it.)

Jersey Rule No. 2: You may not wear a jersey without a shirt underneath it, especially NBA jerseys. We do not want to see your rash. Or your spare tire. Or your nipples. My God, people.

OK, this one I agree with. I have a Paul Pierce Celtics jersey that is built like a football jersey that Sam bought me when she lived in Boston. I wish they made more jerseys like that (that don't say Celtics on the front).

Jersey Rule No. 3: You may not wear a jersey if somebody else in your group is already wearing one. This is also known as The Fedora Rule. No two guys in any group can be wearing a fedora. The second man's fedora must be trashed, crushed or sold. You never saw Sinatra and Dean Martin wearing one, right?

You mean like this?

Seriously, Reilly, learn to do a fucking Google image search.

Jersey Rule No. 4: You may not, under any circumstances, wear a jersey AND a hat. Who are you, Tony Romo?

Or any other quarterback in the NFL? Romo's the only one that does this?

Jersey Rule No. 5: You may not wear a jersey with your own name on it if you didn't wear it on a real team once. Please. Are you expecting Bill Belichick to look up in the stands and go, "Flanagan! Get in there at tailback!"?

Tailback? Probably not. Cornerback? Maybe.

Jersey Rule No. 6: You may not wear a jersey of a player who has been gone from your team for more than a year, unless that player is in the Hall of Fame or will be soon. I saw a guy Monday night at the New York Giants game wearing an Amani Toomer jersey. I believe Toomer is managing a Round Table pizza in Parsippany now. Buy another damn jersey, cheapskate.

Toomer was a pretty decent player that spent his entire career with the Giants, so I bet you can get away with wearing a Toomer jersey to a Giants game. In fact, it makes the statement you didn't jump on the bandwagon in the 2007 season. Actual fans can tell the difference. Bears example: Tom Waddle= OK. Rex Grossman= not so much.

Jersey Rule No. 7: If you have a nose tackle body, you must wear a nose tackle's jersey. We do not need to see your 385 pounds busting out of a DeSean Jackson jersey. It's unseamly.

Eh, that was ok, I suppose they can't all be double-meta. Also, you're allowed to be a fan of whoever you want, no matter what size you are. Jackass.

Jersey Rule No. 8: Absolutely no cutesy wrong-color jerseys. No pink Yankees jerseys.

I thought you said girl jerseys were OK? Or is this more homophobia?

No camouflage Cowboys jerseys. And no new University of Maryland jerseys. They look like an explosion at a Benjamin Moore store.

"You kids and your new-fangled uniforms with more than one color! Back in my day, we had maroon and white, or white and maroon, and we liked it!"

Jersey Rule No. 9: No wearing NBA shorts with your NBA jersey at any time. Horrible. It makes you look like Red Klotz. (Corollary: Do not wear all-white to watch a tennis match, either. Pathetic.)

I do not know who Red Klotz is.

OK, fine, I'll look it up. Klotz apparently was the coach of the Washington Generals for awhile. He also played for the Baltimore Bullets. No, not the Washington Bullets. God, Reilly is old.

Jersey Rule No. 10: No wearing your jersey anywhere but a) to the stadium or b) home. Nobody at the urologist's office wants to talk about your Ray Lewis jersey.

Unless there are ANY OTHER RAVENS FANS AROUND. Just because you don't care about any sport other than golf, doesn't mean no one does.

If you still qualify under all these edicts, then you must sign these waivers before donning a jersey:

Jersey Waiver A: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving your rights to any sexual activity for the evening. No woman in history has ever said, "Oooh, that guy wearing the jersey of another man! That's hot!"

I'm on my work computer, so I won't do an image search for "jersey sex", but I'm willing to bet this one will be debunked pretty easily, too.

Jersey Waiver B: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any semblance of coolness.

"It's like going to a concert in the T-shirt of the band that's playing that night," says Ari Pillar, 29, who was wearing a simple, cool retro Giants T-shirt Monday night. "It's cooler to wear another band's T-shirt. But wearing a jersey of somebody you're watching? That's way high up the Dork Scale."

I bet Ari Pillar rode a fixed gear bike to the game, knows a grand total of 5 players on the Giants, and thinks Ottis Anderson was a 50s beatnic poet.

(A note on T-shirts: Enough cussing, especially those West F***in Virginia T-shirts that West Virginia fans are wearing. Your athletic director, Oliver Luck, was right. Show a little class. And Ohio State fans: No "Ann Arbor is a whore" T-shirts either. And, Wisconsin students, we've all seen 1,000 variations on "Huck the Fuskers" already. Try something original.)

Point granted. I also think it's dumb to waste money on anti-other team shirts instead of your own team's, but I don't begrudge those that do.

Jersey Waiver C: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any contact with the very person you're worshipping.

"Those are the guys we went out of our way to avoid in the autograph lines," says former Baltimore Ravens QB Trent Dilfer. "They were the ones who wanted your email address."

They were the ones who spent hundreds to thousands of dollars supporting you over the years, and had your back when other fans talked shit about you, and were responsible for whatever endorsement money you might have received. I always had the impression Trent Dilfer wasn't a huge asshole. Guess I was wrong.

Jersey Waiver D: By wearing a jersey to a road game, you waive your right to a busted-free nose. Wearing a Lakers jersey to a Celtics game is like wearing an Obama T-shirt to a Dick Cheney book signing. Bring gauze.

Terrible violent tragedies aside, 99.99% of the time you don't go to a Raiders game in opposing team's gear, you just get a bunch of talk thrown your away, assuming you're not also being a dick.

"My wife tells me it's dangerous," says Giants fan Adam Herman, 31, who spoke from inside a Brandon Jacobs jersey. "But I do it. I wore it in Philly to an Eagles game. It was a little scary, but I got out OK."

Of course, you might not get out OK if you wear another team's jersey to Adam's house.

"Won't happen," he says. "If my friends come over in a Jets jersey, they're not getting in. They can just turn right around. No exceptions."

Adam, I'm begging you and all jerseyites out there: Rent, lease or purchase a life.

One with some class and sophistication. Hmm, indeed. (adjusts monacle)

And it better not involve cowbells.

Don't get it.

Also, if they made golf jerseys, Reilly would wear a Mickelson one every freaking day of his life.