We Haven't Pointed Out How Stupid Rick Reilly is in Awhile

So the last person not named Reilly we took down had some interesting (read: stupid) thoughts about wearing jerseys to games. I guess Reilly got jealous we pointed our stupid rays elsewhere, because he decided to write a jersey article even worse. At least that other guy had the excuse of a Bryan Stowe knee-jerk reaction. Reilly's stupidity is just out of the blue. Let's point out all the ways he is wrong, because that's what we do around here.

The Jersey Rules

What a straightforward title. I feel ripped off. Come on, Rick, hit me with some terrible puns!

The three fastest-growing diseases in America today are diabetes, Lyme disease, and sports jerseys.

Diabetes, yes. Is Lyme disease really growing that rapidly, or another bad joke? I can't tell anymore.

Wearing a jersey used to be for kids. You be Tom Brady and I'll be Darrelle Revis. Now people with actual jobs are wearing them. At 6, it's adorable. At 36, deplorable.

Jerseys? Horrible. Wicked like Madam Morrible. My tupperware? It's storable.

I believe Reilly just kicked off a Beastie Boys song.

You can't swing your arms at an NFL game without hitting somebody in one. (A very good idea, by the way.)

You say it's your way of expressing devotion to your team? I say try a hat. It doesn't make you look like an adult Trick-or-Treater.

You mean like this?

What's your jersey dream? Someone shrieking, "Oh, my God! There's Brian Urlacher! Oh, wait. No, no. It's just Justin from purchasing."?

Yes, because that's exactly what I think when I wear my jersey to the game. "Someone is going to confuse me with Lance Briggs today!"

Women in jerseys? Fine. But dude, you're really going out with another man's name on your back? Do you have no male pride?

Homophobia much, Reilly? I have no problem with Derrick Rose knowing my true feelings for him.

But like gluten-free beer, the jersey flood seems un-damn-able. But can we at least have some rules?

There it is! Although I have to admit I'm not getting this one. Is the beer un-dam-able? And the jersey flood un-damn-able? Or is it the other way around? Or is it a special Reilly pun that loops both ways, creating a Reilly-vortex? We're through the looking glass here, people.

Also, you don't have to drink gluten-free beer. It can't hurt you.

Jersey Rule No. 1: You may not wear a jersey past age 29.

Exceptions:

a) You are immediately related to the person whose name is on the back.

b) You are the person whose name is on the back. (Team photo required.)

Going to be breaking this one in a couple of months. And won't feel bad about it either, because, snark aside, the good thing about being a sports fan is being transported to a more simple time. Being a sports fan makes you feel young again, to a place where you can root for another grown man with all your heart. That's the entire point. Actual fans understand that. And it feels like there are more and more fans all the time. Which is a good thing. (As long as we weed out the ones who go overboard with it.)

Jersey Rule No. 2: You may not wear a jersey without a shirt underneath it, especially NBA jerseys. We do not want to see your rash. Or your spare tire. Or your nipples. My God, people.

OK, this one I agree with. I have a Paul Pierce Celtics jersey that is built like a football jersey that Sam bought me when she lived in Boston. I wish they made more jerseys like that (that don't say Celtics on the front).

Jersey Rule No. 3: You may not wear a jersey if somebody else in your group is already wearing one. This is also known as The Fedora Rule. No two guys in any group can be wearing a fedora. The second man's fedora must be trashed, crushed or sold. You never saw Sinatra and Dean Martin wearing one, right?

You mean like this?

Seriously, Reilly, learn to do a fucking Google image search.

Jersey Rule No. 4: You may not, under any circumstances, wear a jersey AND a hat. Who are you, Tony Romo?

Or any other quarterback in the NFL? Romo's the only one that does this?

Jersey Rule No. 5: You may not wear a jersey with your own name on it if you didn't wear it on a real team once. Please. Are you expecting Bill Belichick to look up in the stands and go, "Flanagan! Get in there at tailback!"?

Tailback? Probably not. Cornerback? Maybe.

Jersey Rule No. 6: You may not wear a jersey of a player who has been gone from your team for more than a year, unless that player is in the Hall of Fame or will be soon. I saw a guy Monday night at the New York Giants game wearing an Amani Toomer jersey. I believe Toomer is managing a Round Table pizza in Parsippany now. Buy another damn jersey, cheapskate.

Toomer was a pretty decent player that spent his entire career with the Giants, so I bet you can get away with wearing a Toomer jersey to a Giants game. In fact, it makes the statement you didn't jump on the bandwagon in the 2007 season. Actual fans can tell the difference. Bears example: Tom Waddle= OK. Rex Grossman= not so much.

Jersey Rule No. 7: If you have a nose tackle body, you must wear a nose tackle's jersey. We do not need to see your 385 pounds busting out of a DeSean Jackson jersey. It's unseamly.

Eh, that was ok, I suppose they can't all be double-meta. Also, you're allowed to be a fan of whoever you want, no matter what size you are. Jackass.

Jersey Rule No. 8: Absolutely no cutesy wrong-color jerseys. No pink Yankees jerseys.

I thought you said girl jerseys were OK? Or is this more homophobia?

No camouflage Cowboys jerseys. And no new University of Maryland jerseys. They look like an explosion at a Benjamin Moore store.

"You kids and your new-fangled uniforms with more than one color! Back in my day, we had maroon and white, or white and maroon, and we liked it!"

Jersey Rule No. 9: No wearing NBA shorts with your NBA jersey at any time. Horrible. It makes you look like Red Klotz. (Corollary: Do not wear all-white to watch a tennis match, either. Pathetic.)

I do not know who Red Klotz is.

OK, fine, I'll look it up. Klotz apparently was the coach of the Washington Generals for awhile. He also played for the Baltimore Bullets. No, not the Washington Bullets. God, Reilly is old.

Jersey Rule No. 10: No wearing your jersey anywhere but a) to the stadium or b) home. Nobody at the urologist's office wants to talk about your Ray Lewis jersey.

Unless there are ANY OTHER RAVENS FANS AROUND. Just because you don't care about any sport other than golf, doesn't mean no one does.

If you still qualify under all these edicts, then you must sign these waivers before donning a jersey:

Jersey Waiver A: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving your rights to any sexual activity for the evening. No woman in history has ever said, "Oooh, that guy wearing the jersey of another man! That's hot!"

I'm on my work computer, so I won't do an image search for "jersey sex", but I'm willing to bet this one will be debunked pretty easily, too.

Jersey Waiver B: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any semblance of coolness.

"It's like going to a concert in the T-shirt of the band that's playing that night," says Ari Pillar, 29, who was wearing a simple, cool retro Giants T-shirt Monday night. "It's cooler to wear another band's T-shirt. But wearing a jersey of somebody you're watching? That's way high up the Dork Scale."

I bet Ari Pillar rode a fixed gear bike to the game, knows a grand total of 5 players on the Giants, and thinks Ottis Anderson was a 50s beatnic poet.

(A note on T-shirts: Enough cussing, especially those West F***in Virginia T-shirts that West Virginia fans are wearing. Your athletic director, Oliver Luck, was right. Show a little class. And Ohio State fans: No "Ann Arbor is a whore" T-shirts either. And, Wisconsin students, we've all seen 1,000 variations on "Huck the Fuskers" already. Try something original.)

Point granted. I also think it's dumb to waste money on anti-other team shirts instead of your own team's, but I don't begrudge those that do.

Jersey Waiver C: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any contact with the very person you're worshipping.

"Those are the guys we went out of our way to avoid in the autograph lines," says former Baltimore Ravens QB Trent Dilfer. "They were the ones who wanted your email address."

They were the ones who spent hundreds to thousands of dollars supporting you over the years, and had your back when other fans talked shit about you, and were responsible for whatever endorsement money you might have received. I always had the impression Trent Dilfer wasn't a huge asshole. Guess I was wrong.

Jersey Waiver D: By wearing a jersey to a road game, you waive your right to a busted-free nose. Wearing a Lakers jersey to a Celtics game is like wearing an Obama T-shirt to a Dick Cheney book signing. Bring gauze.

Terrible violent tragedies aside, 99.99% of the time you don't go to a Raiders game in opposing team's gear, you just get a bunch of talk thrown your away, assuming you're not also being a dick.

"My wife tells me it's dangerous," says Giants fan Adam Herman, 31, who spoke from inside a Brandon Jacobs jersey. "But I do it. I wore it in Philly to an Eagles game. It was a little scary, but I got out OK."

Of course, you might not get out OK if you wear another team's jersey to Adam's house.

"Won't happen," he says. "If my friends come over in a Jets jersey, they're not getting in. They can just turn right around. No exceptions."

Adam, I'm begging you and all jerseyites out there: Rent, lease or purchase a life.

One with some class and sophistication. Hmm, indeed. (adjusts monacle)

And it better not involve cowbells.

Don't get it.

Also, if they made golf jerseys, Reilly would wear a Mickelson one every freaking day of his life.

Catching Hell: Reexamining the Legacy of Bartman

Like any good Cubs fan, I remember exactly where I was when Game 6 happened. I spent most of the 2nd half of the game arguing on the phone with Sam. I don't remember about what about (probably communication issues. Rest assured, we have all that worked out now!) But at the same time I was watching the game closely (in my defense, I'm pretty sure she was too.) After the collapse, me and my roommates went to the back porch of our apartment, which overlooked tennis courts across the alley, and threw beer bottles (root beer bottles for me) across the alley to watch them explode on the tennis courts below. I remember being pissed a little at Bartman, but more so at Alex Gonzalez the next day, and Dave Veres and Mark Guthrie (both of whom, I was shocked to find out in the research for this, weren't terrible all season long. I remember them both being awful in the postseason at least.) (Also, neither of them pitched in Game 6. It was Kyle Farnsworth and Mike Remlinger, both of whom only gave up 1 hit. But there were a few intentional walks in there, too. Guthrie didn't even pitch in Game 7.)

But I do remember having discussions later where I blasted Bartman, and the fans in the area for not getting out of the way. If Alou had any chance at all, isn't that more important than catching a pop foul? I like to think I would have had the presence of mind to get out of the way, but there's no way to ever know.

I think the reason Bartman became the scapegoat to the extent that he did is because he was a fan. I couldn't have came in and pitched lights out relief for Mark Prior in the 8th inning. I couldn't even have turned the double play Alex Gonzalez botched. But if I was in the stands, I could have gotten out of the way of a foul ball. Apart from a Jeffrey Maier type moment, that's basically all a baseball fan can do at a game.

The Catching Hell filmmaker, Alex Gibney, spends the majority of his 2 hour documentary trying to deflect blame from Bartman, but I thought the most interesting part of the documentary was when Gibney uses video editing techniques to remove everyone else from the play, and it's probably the strongest evidence I've ever seen that suggests Alou would have made the play. And maybe if there are 2 outs, Gonzalez has an easier time with Miguel Cabrera's ground ball.

If I was doing a blame game for Game 6, and I'm being totally honest...yeah, I'd give Bartman a few percentage points. Not more than Gonzalez, or Prior, or Dusty Baker, or even Sammy Sosa and Aramis Ramirez (a combined 0-6). And I think Bartman has received thousands of times as much crap as he deserved for his part in the loss. Obviously the fans around him were out of control, not to mention the media afterwards.

But I still wish I could see what would have happened had Moises had a chance to catch that ball.

(also, a giant fuck you to Bartman's so called "friends" who blatantly ditched him after the play. I can't say definitively I wouldn't have reached for a foul ball, but I can say I would never do that.)

Official Bulls (Chinese) Nicknames

So Derrick went to China, and they gave him a new nickname. "Biao Feng Mei Gui", which apparently means "Speedy, Stormy Rose". Not bad. Unfortunately, the rest of the Bulls are not on the trip, and thus unable to also receive new nicknames of their own. Never fear, though, with the help of Google translator, Chitown Sports is on it!



Kyle Korver- "Làjiāo jiàng" (Hot sauce)

Oh, give me the Lajiao jiang, Kyle! Give me the Lajiao jiang!"

This might replace "Fredo" as my favorite Korver nickname.

Taj Gibson- "Yīgè rén chī de línghún" (Eater of souls)

See my favorite image of the 2010-11 season:



Carlos Boozer- "Shì wǒ de nánrén" (Was that my man?)

Yes, Carlos, it probably was.

Brian Scalabrine- "Bái màn bā" (White Mamba)

This rhymes with "White Mamba", so I'm sure we can come up with some creative chants there.

Joakim Noah- "Fúwù yēzi" (One who serves coconuts)

Unfortunately, that may be what Jo ends up doing this season. Fuck you, David Stern and co.

This is way more fun than blogging about the Cubs.

Mike Quade Doesn't Get It

Reed Johnson is starting in right for the third straight game tonight. I love Reed Johnson. But he could bat 1.000 for the rest of the year and the Cubs wouldn't make the playoffs. He's also 34. Tyler Colvin is 25. Which of these guys do you think might be more important to the Cubs in the future, and thus should see most of the time in right for the rest of the year? Let's see what Quade thinks:

"It's a delicate balance between guys who have earned the right to play and guys who are here to play as young players and get better, and also giving them what I presume is the best opportunity for them to succeed and get back into doing what we saw him do last year."

Is what you saw him do last year "sit on the bench?" Because that's what your doing with him. If Colvin is going to get back to pre-almost-getting-stabbed-to-death-with-a-bat levels, it would be nice if, I don't know, actually played in right field. Or left. Or fucking third base, I don't care, the rest of the season doesn't matter, and there's no reason Colvin, Starlin Castro, Darwin Barney, and maybe Josh Vitters and Brett Jackson shouldn't be given as many at-bats as possible. Start thinking 2012 please, Quade. Or are you worried you're not going to be around for that, and maybe Reed Johnson can help you scrape just enough wins to keep you around? Hmm....

So it's Chitown Sports' Turn to Pile on Jim Hendry

So you would think that having the summer off would allow for more blogging time, but the whole "not-having-a-laptop" thing negates that advantage. But I'm typing this on a new one, where the keyboard is almost entirely on the left side of the computer, so expect at least 20% more typos in this the coming posts.

I know I'm not breaking any new ground in suggesting that Jim Hendry has been part of the problem in Cubs land for a while now. I just want to add my two cents.

It seems like Hendry has gotten a free pass from Cubs fans for two things: rebuilding the minor league system, and the Aramis and Derrek trades. I'll start with the minor leagues.

For years it feels like I've been hearing "The minor league system is getting better." "Just wait until (so-and-so) comes up." Yet I can name on one hand the number of home-grown Hendry prospects have lived up to the hype in a Cubs uniform (Soto, Castro, Marmol...maybe Angel Guzman gets a pass). Otherwise, the prospects that come up always manage to underwhelm. Matt Murton. Ryan Theriot. Micah Hoffpauir.

Maybe you can argue that expectations should never be that high with these guys to begin with, but it's hard to tell since so often their way is blocked by overpriced veterans Hendry stupidly signed or traded for (you need names? Really? Fukudome, Soriano, Milton fucking Bradley, even Jacque Jones. I think I was the only person in Chicago who liked Jacque Jones.)

If we have this talent in the minors, where are the power hitting outfielders? I believe the last one's name was Corey Patterson. Front line starters? The last one was Big Z. Corner infielders? Hee Seop Choi?

I guess we haven't needed corner infielders much, since Hendry did pull off two of the biggest heists in the last decade with the Aramis and Derrek trades. I'll give him credit for Nomar, too, since although Nomar didn't do a whole lot in a Cubs uni, he didn't cost them a whole heck of a lot, either.

The problem is that almost every trade since then has been a loss for the Cubs. Juan Pierre. Greg Maddux for Caeser Izturis. Theriot and Ted Lilly for Blake Dewitt (Hendry apparently loves weak hitting Dodger infielders). Mark DeRosa for nothing. I know some of these trades (like Derrek last year) are designed to give a veteran another postseason chance, but it's an indictment of Hendry that we're in that situation in the first place.

The Cubs aren't getting better until there are changes up top, and we start running the club with some sort of long term plan. That can't happen with Hendry. He has to go.

Rick Reilly Doesn't Understand the NBA Part 1,876,429

I usually leave Rick Reilly alone when he chooses to write about golf, because 1. I don't care about golf, and 2. he tends to wax philosophic on golf like it's a beautiful sunset on a beach. But then he decided to compare it to the NBA and NFL, which is like comparing apples and fuckin' rhinoceroses.

Playing for play

I've read this article twice now and don't really get what he means. It seems like "Paying for play" would make more sense. I'll just chalk it up to another swing-and-a-miss joke.

For the 116th straight season, it looks as if American golf is going to get through another year without a labor stoppage. Arnold Palmers for everybody.

Not true in the NFL and the NBA -- both are in lockouts now -- but how we don't have one in golf I'll ever know.

Worst sentence ever written.

If anybody should strike, it's golfers. They have the crummiest deal since Rupert Murdoch bought MySpace.

Yeah, that's something that happened.

Not one of them has a guaranteed contract. In golf, you're promised zilch. You play good, you eat good. You play bad and you're suddenly working behind your uncle's pharmacy counter.

Most NFL players have to worry about that, too.

Per diem? Please. In golf, "per diem" translates as "What my wife gives me in the morning."

"Because women wear the (ugly) pants in golf relationships, amiritefellas?"

Contract year? Every year is your contract year.

Disabled list? Get real. If you break your hand in golf, you'd better have Aflac.

How would one break their hand in golf, besides punching something after a missed shot? And is Aflac the first insurance company that came to mind, or are you doing product placement in columns now? I'm going with the latter, because I can't believe you'd pass up the opportunity for a Geico caveman reference.

You think if Tiger Woods played in the NBA he'd be limping around these past two years without a biweekly paycheck? Are you smoking oregano? In the NBA, he still would have made his many millions per year and the owner would help him wheelbarrow it to the bank.

Fuck you, Reilly, for making me do research on golf for this post. Tiger Woods played in 14 PGA tournaments last year and 5 so far this year. That's 19 4-day tournaments, in which he missed the cut on one, so that's 74 days of "work" over the last about 550. Is this really who you want to hold up as the Cal Ripken Jr. of your sport?

Look at Greg Oden, the rarely dressed center for the NBA's Portland TrailBlazers. In four seasons, he has played 82 games. That's one season spread over four. If he were a golfer, he'd be in Columbus running a big and tall man's shop. But in the NBA, he has made $19.3 million. Nice work if you can get it.

There are so many reasons this analogy doesn't make sense that I don't know where to begin. Let's start with the physical differences between a sport that requires you to run and jump in short, intense bursts over 48 minutes and a sport where you walk everywhere and take as much time as you want to swing a club. Maybe sport A should have something in the way of health insurance for their athletes.

Second, let's look at your math. In his last NBA season, Oden had a PER in 21 games of 23.14, which is pretty damn good, and was ranked 12th in the NBA (if he had played enough games.) That seems high. In 08-09 he played 61 games and had a PER of 18.1, which was good for 63rd, which seems closer to where he should be. So for the purposes of this experiment let's say Greg Oden is the 63rd best player in the NBA.

In 2009 the 63rd best golfer in the world was some guy named Bryce Molder, who made about 1.38 million that year (Fuck you, Reilly, again.) 1.38 mil times 4 is $5.52 million, which isn't quite $19.3 million, but it's not "work at a big and tall men's store" money, either.

Golf might look as though it's all cashmere and courtesy cars, but in reality, these guys get squat.

Again the 63rd best golfer in 2009 made 1.38 million. The 144th best golfer that year made over 500 grand. The top 207 all made 6 figures.

In golf, you pay for your own transportation, your own meals, your own medical, your own lodging. You think Tom Brady pays his own bill when he checks out of the Miami Four Seasons? Phil Mickelson does.

Does he? Or does his sponsor? I've reached the limit of the amount of research I'm doing about golf here, but I suspect some expenses aren't entirely paid by Mickelson.

LeBron James can stink up the finals like 80 inches of Limburger cheese and he still gets his cash. In golf, if you come to a major and freeze, all you're going home with is an ulcer.

Does that mean they take away all the previous money you earned, too? No? Because LeBron's salary is for the 82 games he played before the playoffs. The players then get something called a playoff share, which goes up a little bit depending how well you do, so there is a small financial incentive to keep winning.

In golf if you come to a major and freeze, you still get the money you won in your last tournament, which is a better comparison.

You wanna see a pro golfer laugh? Tell him that the NBA players are hacked off about possibly having their average salary of $6 million trimmed in this lockout. Do you know how many guys on the PGA Tour made that last year? One: Jim Furyk.

You want to see a schoolteacher laugh, and then swear at you? Tell him a punk-ass golfer had the nerve to bemoan their lot in life where they play golf every day and make 6 figures for being the 200th best golfer in the world. Bitch.

"It's hard to really imagine that kind of world," says Justin Leonard, who will play his 19th British Open here Thursday at Royal St. George's. "Guaranteed contracts, no matter what? The rookie salaries? Wow. I can't get my head around all that. That's my incentive to play! I'm kinda proud we start at zero every week."

For every Albert Haynesworth in the guaranteed contract world, there's a Derrick Rose, who's off working his ass off to get better for next year (if it happens) despite the fact that he'll be making the same amount of money either way.

The only tiny morsel golfers have negotiated for themselves is that every year on Tour, a set of 125 guys are promised a chance to make a living. This is not to be confused with promised a living. If you can get there, you have a tee time, but only half of you will be cashing a check.

"We do have one thing those guys don't," says Tom Watson, who has won the British Open five times. "We get to choose where we play. NBA players don't.

Hey, someone said something sensical in this column!

True, and when golfers choose not to play somewhere, they get murdered. Kenny Perry, for instance, got ripped for not playing the British Open for many years.

Of course, I remember all the outrage about Kenny Perry not playing the British Open! (/has never heard of Kenny Perry)

But look at it from his wallet's POV:

• Two round-trip business-class tickets, Kentucky to London: $6,000
• Caddie for the week: $1,500
• Seven nights at the players' hotel: $6,000
• Twenty-one meals at that hotel, where the dollar is limper than the cucumber sandwiches : $2,100
• Transfers, tips, etc.: $750


Total: $16,350

So, before Perry can break even, he has to beat half the best players in the world in a style of golf he hates.

I'm sure if Kenny Perry is really worried about not breaking even, he doesn't have to eat $100 cucumber sandwiches every day, and that number might come down a little bit.

Good luck!

Golfers have the worst job security this side of Naomi Campbell's assistants.

You can feel the air on that whiff from here.

These guys are out there on their own skill and their own guts and their own dime, and they deserve some credit for it. You get the yips or a sore back or an ungrateful putter, we'll see you on the Hooters Tour.

Remember Trevor Immelman?

Nope.

Good-looking kid? Won the 2008 Masters? If he were in the NFL, he'd have signed a five-year deal for $75 million. Instead, he goes out and can't find a fairway with a course map, makes $1.3 million over the next three years, and must be wishing he had gone on to optometry school.

Know what this is? The world's smallest violin playing Trevor Immelman and his 1.3 million he made for playing golf for 3 years.

But none of that is what would drive your basic American multimillionaire team-sport union-backed jocks nuts.

What would drive them nuts is the part of golf's unspoken contract that says: You call your own fouls. On yourself. Even if nobody saw it. Can you imagine if guys called fouls on themselves in the NBA?

We'd still be waiting.

Way to end the column with something that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of your column, and doesn't enhance the point at all. And again, you're comparing apples to, say, the concept of nirvana. You can't have NBA players call their own fouls for one because basketball is a sport where time matters. Having outside officials is in the nature of the sport.

This is like saying "Can you imagine if baseball players switched their bats after every pitch, like they do in golf? We'd have to wait forever!"

In conclusion, Reilly, you of all people should happy for guaranteed contracts. Because if you were paid for your performance...