Peyton Manning Needs to Go to Denver So Rick Reilly Can Have Column Ideas

I mean, he makes that pretty clear in the first sentence. I actually have to give him credit for laying it out there. Here I am, Rick Reilly, the laziest columnist in the world. I don't want to come with ideas. I want readers to send me slam-dunk sob stories, which I can mix with 10,000 word treatises on golf and ill-informed opinions on real sports. This one falls squarely in the third column, so the FJM treatment it gets:

You need advice, Peyton Manning. We need a column. It works out.

You seem to have whittled your Stick Your Neck Out Tour down to four teams: Denver, Arizona, Tennessee and Miami. These teams all want you the way Chelsea wants vodka, yet none of them is even sure you can play anymore. Who cares? You are The Bachelor, and they are four blondes in five-inch heels with daddy issues. Let's do this.

Rick is officially in the TV-watching demographic of a 19 year-old girl. (Full disclosure: I watch Are You There Chelsea, because Lauren Lapkus is awesome.)

You need an unbiased, objective system to break this down. We will work with the time-honored plus/minus system, going from minus-5 to plus-5. Get your calculator out. May the best town win.

Guess how many times he chooses a number besides 5, -5, and 0? But he probably still needed a calculator.

Divisions

Denver plays in a division that could be taken by a team of girl scouts armed with Pez dispensers.

How exactly would Pez dispensers help the girl scouts on the football field? (Is just one of the many questions begged by this joke.)

The Broncos won it last year with a guy who tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer.

Does Hooters even have bouncers? When was the last time you or anyone you know went to Hooters?

Tennessee has a chance to beat Houston if the Titans get you, I suppose. Arizona -- even with you and your brother -- is not going to beat the 49ers.

One good season against a weak schedule and somehow the 49ers are unbeatable. Not that I think he's going to Arizona, but I wouldn't completely count them out with Manning throwing to Fitzgerald.

Miami, going up against Tom Brady twice a year? You'd get to Saturn before you'd get to the playoffs there.

You know you don't have to win the division to go to the playoffs, right? And they'd get to play Buffalo and the Jets twice a year too, right?

Points: Denver +5, Tennessee and Arizona 0, Miami -5.

Wide receivers

In Arizona, you could throw to Larry Fitzgerald Jr., which is like a chef cooking for Vince Wilfork. Hard to beat. But he is only one man, and the Cardinals don't have much beyond him. In Miami, you could throw to Brandon Marshall, if you can throw all the way to Chicago. He just got traded.

Crap, he changed the article a couple hours ago, I had a really good line prepared for this spot, too.

Denver has Demaryius Thomas, who is only 24 and already a ball-gobbling glutton. Plus, the Broncos have a possible star in Eric Decker. Tennessee has receivers even people in Nashville don't recognize. In uniform.

Last year Nate Washington caught two less passes than Erick Decker and Demaryius Thomas combined. Now part of that is Tim Tebow's fault, but the other part is that you don't know about teams that don't play in Denver.

Points: Arizona +5, Denver and Miami 0, Tennessee -5.

Weather

Arizona is paradise in the fall. Miami is sweet, too. Tennessee isn't bad, but neither is Denver. Do you realize the average Denver high in December is 46? That's seven degrees higher than in Indianapolis. Denver also gets about 250 clear, sunny days a year. There's a reason there's no dome in Denver. The Broncos don't need one. Only problem is, if you get Tim Tebow benched, you're going to need a steel umbrella for all the frogs that will rain down.

Points: Arizona and Miami, +5, Tennessee and Denver 0.

This wasn't the best category to back up your claim with. By the way, in Tennessee the average temperature in December is 50.

Cap room

It's not as though you're Tom Brady. You can't throw and catch the passes yourself. You're going to need some help. Denver has by far the most cash to buy help with -- nearly $45 million. The Broncos could pay you and sign ungodly talented Chargers WR Vincent Jackson. Or maybe Reggie Wayne? Or maybe you'd like to bring in your old center, Jeff Saturday? (One career -- one rump.) The Titans have a lot, too: $28M, but you'd have to stop after Vincent. The Dolphins have only about $12M. That will barely pay for you and some towels. The Cardinals are $16M over. Maybe somebody forgot to explain to Cards owner Mike Bidwill that the NFL is not a trust fund?

I think the idea is if they signed Peyton, they wouldn't need Kevin Kolb, which would bring them down significantly.

Points: Denver and Tennessee +5, Miami 0, Arizona -5.

Super Bowls

You and your brother Eli have always had a dream to play against each other in a Super Bowl. Can't do that if you go to Arizona.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm 100% positive this is not part of Peyton's decision making process.

Points: Tennessee, Miami and Denver +5. Arizona 0.

Crime

Here's the 2010 murder rate per 100,000 people. Hey, you have to consider these things. Denver 3.6; Phoenix 7.6; Nashville 8.9, Miami 15.4. So, in Denver, your chances of being murdered are low. In Miami, you're basically a metal donkey at a shooting gallery. How good is your flak jacket?

And here we get really stupid. First of all, Peyton already lives in South Florida. What, do you think if he plays in Miami people are going to line up to shoot at him when he steps foot in the city?

Points: Denver +5, Arizona and Tennessee 0, Miami -5

Coaches/Front office

You're practically a coach already, but you can't make all the decisions. Miami's rookie head coach Joe Philbin has been in the NFL for just nine years. You have wristbands older than that. Tennessee has Mike Munchak coming off his first season as a head coach. Arizona has a good one in Ken Whisenhunt. Denver has a 10-year head-coaching vet in John Fox, who is a player's coach. Also, you might like to end up running a team after you're through playing. What better guy to watch every day than John Elway? And don't forget, Elway won his two Super Bowls at 37 and 38. You're 35. He'll know what you need. Miami, meanwhile, changes GMs the way Gold Club dancers change outfits.

Points: Denver and Arizona +5, Tennessee and Miami -5.

Peyton went to the Super Bowl with Jim Caldwell as his coach, so this one's pretty much a moot point. You just wanted to work John Elway in somewhere.

Golf

So he not only includes a category about golf, he actually spends an entire paragraph breaking down the fucking golf courses in the four cities. We have a strict "No Golf" policy at Chitown Sports, so I'll spare you the boring details here. and skip to the next one.

Points: Denver and Arizona +5, Miami 0, Nashville -5.

Comfort

Phoenix is the sixth-largest city in America. It's a nice place if you like 1.5 million people and only three highways. Nashville and Denver are smaller, fly-over cities, even smaller than Indy. Miami feels like home if your home is in Caracas. Besides, you have a vacation condo in Miami. If you start working there, too, vacation becomes work. No good.

Nice spin on that one. I'm sure if Denver was a big city that wouldn't somehow be a negative, it would be along the lines of how Peyton would never want to play in a podunk town like Nashville. Instead it's "quaint"

Points: Tennessee and Denver +5, Arizona 0, Miami -5.

Lifestyle

You have twins, a boy and a girl. You need to think about where you want to raise them. Do you want them to grow up to be singers (Tennessee), skiers (Denver), golfers (Arizona) or assisted-living nurses (Miami)?

Points: None. No judging. Just saying.

And finally …

Arizona ranks first in the nation in number of ant species. (Your two 1-year-old girls aren't going to like that.) Nashville ranks first in the nation in Internet shopping. (Uh-oh. No real shopping. Your wife isn't going to like that.) Miami ranks first in international freight. (Do you like barges?) And Denver ranks first in beer production per capita.

I like how he includes this paragraph to make it look like he's in on the joke. Nice try, Rick.

Points: Denver +5, everybody else 0.

So, let's see where you should go, according to our entirely objective and arbitrary system:

Denver +40
Arizona +15
Tennessee 0
Miami -10

(We'll keep a cold one waiting for you.)

He honestly would fit best in Denver. I think they'd be a contender in the AFC. But now I have to hope he signs with Miami. Just because I can't take more of this every third week.

The Inevitable Reilly/Tebow Column is Even Less Coherant Than You Think

OK, this is kinda late, but it's so awful it very much deserves to be mocked. Basically, Rick wants to compare Tom Brady with Tebow, and is way too lazy to actually write a coherent, thoughtful article, so he just spouts of trivia in the style of an Onion "keys to the matchup" article, but a lot less funny.

Take your pick

Tom is righty. Tim is lefty.

Tom is 34. Tim is 24.

So far, so mundane.

Tom is second in passing yards among NFL starters this season. Tim is dead last.

Tom is third in completion percentage. Tim is dead last.

So is this article going to be about how much Tebow sucks?

Tom has won five games in a row. Tim has won six.

All by himself? Tebow must be great defensively.

Tom swears like a teamster who has stubbed his little toe. Tim says "Gosh!" and "Golly!" and calls reporters "Sir." (I hired a lip reader to monitor Tim in Week 13. The worst he said was an impassioned, "Let's go!")

Let me get this straight. You hired a lip reader to watch Tebow for a whole game, and the most interesting thing you can report him saying is "Let's go!"? Money well spent, Reilly.

Tom has a QB rating of 106.0. Tim's is 83.9.

But in the fourth quarter, Tom's is 91.0 and Tim's is 99.6.

QB rating is a terrible stat

Tom is a national sex symbol who's had two children, one out of wedlock with a stunning actress and the other with his wife, a Brazilian supermodel. Tim is a national sexless symbol, a proud virgin.

(coughexcepthemightbesleepingwithLindsayVonncough)

Tom has won 77 percent of his games as a starter. Tim has won 73 percent.

Tom throws spirals that could slide into a mailbox from across a cul de sac. They nestle into receivers' arms like babies returned to new mothers. Tim throws chevrons of mallards. He has more overthrows than the Arab Spring.

Chevrons of mallards? I get that mallards=ducks but what unit of measurement is a chevron, besides a gas station? He throws gas stations of ducks?

Tom has the seventh-best-selling Fathead poster in the NFL this week. Tim has the best-selling one. And the second-best-selling one. And the 10th-best-selling one.

Oh, so we're measuring quarterbacks by Fathead sales now? Wonderful, Dan Gilbert will be thrilled.

Tom is the ultimate pocket quarterback. He's as comfortable in it as Sarah Palin in mink. Tim treats the pocket as an electric chair. He bolts it like it's on fire.

I don't know what's worse, the dated Sarah Palin reference for Tom, or the fact that he doesn't even try to come up with a funny metaphor for Tim.

Tom runs like he's wearing ski boots. Tim runs like he's wearing ACME jet packs. In his entire career, Tom has rushed for 697 yards. Tim could very well run for that many this season.

Like Brian Urlacher said, he's a good running back.

Tom has lost games this season scoring 31, 20 and 17 points. Tim has won games scoring 18, 17, 17, 16 and 13.

Might this have something to do with the fact that New England is dead last in total defense?

Tom is aided by the NFL's leading receiver, Wes Welker, and a touchdown-gobbling tight end, Rob Gronkowski. Tim is helped by God, according to his pastor, Wayne Henson. "God favors Tim for all his hard work," the pastor says.

...God is playing wide receiver for the Broncos now? I missed that signing. Where were you on that one, Adam Schefter?

Tom is in his 12th season. Tim is in his second. Tom finished his second season with a passer rating of 86.5. Tim's passer rating is about the same, 83.9.

You already said that. Now you're repeating the same boring facts over again.

Tom was born in San Mateo, Calif., to an insurance consultant and has three siblings, all girls. Tim was born in Makati City, Philippines, to a Baptist missionary, and is the youngest of five.

These aren't even interesting anymore. It's like you're just taking random things off their Wikipedia pages and calling it an article.

Tom went to the prestigious Catholic high school Junipero Serra, where Barry Bonds and Lynn Swann went. Tim was homeschooled.

Catholic school wasn't religious enough?

Tom was mostly unknown in college. He sat on the bench his first two years. Tim was one of the most famous college athletes in history, a cinch for the College Football Hall of Fame, winner of two national championships, claimer of one Heisman and finalist for two more.

Tom was a sixth-round draft pick. Tim was a first-rounder.

Tom did not start a game as a rookie. Tim did.

When you compare and contrast Tebow and Brady this way, it's just abundantly clear how over-hyped Tebow is, and how good Brady is. It's like Reilly wanted to show the world how they were actually closer than you think, but none of his research backed this up, and he was too lazy to come up with another idea so he just kept it anyway.

Tom has won three Super Bowls, two Super Bowl MVPs and two league MVPs. He owns the NFL regular-season records for TD passes, best TDs-to-interception ratio, consecutive home wins and consecutive playoff wins. Tim is a favorite of Skip Bayless.

I can't tell with Reilly if he thinks this is a point in Tebow's favor or not.

Tom is Goliath. Tim is David. A 6-foot-3, 235-pound David who can bench 350 and flatten cornerbacks into peanut brittle.

Tom has 24 fourth-quarter comeback victories in his 11 years as a starter. Tim has six in, basically, one.

I would bet large amounts of money that Tebow never gets to 24.

Tom has no jokes going around about him. Tim has this one: Tebow asks for an audience with the Pope, who grants it. Tebow flies to Rome and the Pope gives him a tour of the Vatican, the Sistine Chapel, everything. But it's Sunday morning and now the Pope needs to deliver Mass to the 50,000 people waiting in St. Peter's Square below his window. "Come with me to the window and see for yourself," the Pope says. The two of them go to the window. Down below, an Italian guy says to his buddy, "Hey, who's the guy in the pointy hat next to Tebow?"

There are plenty of jokes about Tom Brady, but they're just as unfunny.

Tom has made 17 Sports Illustrated covers. Tim has eight, one more than Drew Brees.

Just as bad of a way to rate quarterbacks as Fathead sales.

Tom has 19 books for sale about him on Amazon.com. Tim has six.

So you ran out of info on Wikipedia and went to Amazon. See what you can find on IMDB!

Tom is the namesake of the NFL's Brady Rule, which prohibits hitting QBs below the knees. Tim is the namesake behind the NCAA's Tebow Rule, regarding athletes wearing messages on their eye black.

My God, it's getting more boring by the minute.

Tom is on a greeting card. Tim is on a Christmas card.

I'm sure both are on all types of cards.

Tom has been named his team's QB of the future. Tim has not.

For good reason (hint: it's because only one of them is good at throwing a football.)

Tom is 1-5 versus Tim's team. Tim has never played Tom's team.

Probably goes back to that whole "Tom is 34, Tim is 24" thing you were hitting on earlier.

Bradying is not an acknowledged English word, according to the Global Language Monitor. Tebowing is.

Both men would chew through a cement embankment to win a football game.

They play Sunday.

Who do you like?

Even though I already know the outcome, I think it was fair to say beforehand that I liked Brady more. Because you forgot one important comparison:

Tom is a good quarterback. Tim is not.

We Haven't Pointed Out How Stupid Rick Reilly is in Awhile

So the last person not named Reilly we took down had some interesting (read: stupid) thoughts about wearing jerseys to games. I guess Reilly got jealous we pointed our stupid rays elsewhere, because he decided to write a jersey article even worse. At least that other guy had the excuse of a Bryan Stowe knee-jerk reaction. Reilly's stupidity is just out of the blue. Let's point out all the ways he is wrong, because that's what we do around here.

The Jersey Rules

What a straightforward title. I feel ripped off. Come on, Rick, hit me with some terrible puns!

The three fastest-growing diseases in America today are diabetes, Lyme disease, and sports jerseys.

Diabetes, yes. Is Lyme disease really growing that rapidly, or another bad joke? I can't tell anymore.

Wearing a jersey used to be for kids. You be Tom Brady and I'll be Darrelle Revis. Now people with actual jobs are wearing them. At 6, it's adorable. At 36, deplorable.

Jerseys? Horrible. Wicked like Madam Morrible. My tupperware? It's storable.

I believe Reilly just kicked off a Beastie Boys song.

You can't swing your arms at an NFL game without hitting somebody in one. (A very good idea, by the way.)

You say it's your way of expressing devotion to your team? I say try a hat. It doesn't make you look like an adult Trick-or-Treater.

You mean like this?

What's your jersey dream? Someone shrieking, "Oh, my God! There's Brian Urlacher! Oh, wait. No, no. It's just Justin from purchasing."?

Yes, because that's exactly what I think when I wear my jersey to the game. "Someone is going to confuse me with Lance Briggs today!"

Women in jerseys? Fine. But dude, you're really going out with another man's name on your back? Do you have no male pride?

Homophobia much, Reilly? I have no problem with Derrick Rose knowing my true feelings for him.

But like gluten-free beer, the jersey flood seems un-damn-able. But can we at least have some rules?

There it is! Although I have to admit I'm not getting this one. Is the beer un-dam-able? And the jersey flood un-damn-able? Or is it the other way around? Or is it a special Reilly pun that loops both ways, creating a Reilly-vortex? We're through the looking glass here, people.

Also, you don't have to drink gluten-free beer. It can't hurt you.

Jersey Rule No. 1: You may not wear a jersey past age 29.

Exceptions:

a) You are immediately related to the person whose name is on the back.

b) You are the person whose name is on the back. (Team photo required.)

Going to be breaking this one in a couple of months. And won't feel bad about it either, because, snark aside, the good thing about being a sports fan is being transported to a more simple time. Being a sports fan makes you feel young again, to a place where you can root for another grown man with all your heart. That's the entire point. Actual fans understand that. And it feels like there are more and more fans all the time. Which is a good thing. (As long as we weed out the ones who go overboard with it.)

Jersey Rule No. 2: You may not wear a jersey without a shirt underneath it, especially NBA jerseys. We do not want to see your rash. Or your spare tire. Or your nipples. My God, people.

OK, this one I agree with. I have a Paul Pierce Celtics jersey that is built like a football jersey that Sam bought me when she lived in Boston. I wish they made more jerseys like that (that don't say Celtics on the front).

Jersey Rule No. 3: You may not wear a jersey if somebody else in your group is already wearing one. This is also known as The Fedora Rule. No two guys in any group can be wearing a fedora. The second man's fedora must be trashed, crushed or sold. You never saw Sinatra and Dean Martin wearing one, right?

You mean like this?

Seriously, Reilly, learn to do a fucking Google image search.

Jersey Rule No. 4: You may not, under any circumstances, wear a jersey AND a hat. Who are you, Tony Romo?

Or any other quarterback in the NFL? Romo's the only one that does this?

Jersey Rule No. 5: You may not wear a jersey with your own name on it if you didn't wear it on a real team once. Please. Are you expecting Bill Belichick to look up in the stands and go, "Flanagan! Get in there at tailback!"?

Tailback? Probably not. Cornerback? Maybe.

Jersey Rule No. 6: You may not wear a jersey of a player who has been gone from your team for more than a year, unless that player is in the Hall of Fame or will be soon. I saw a guy Monday night at the New York Giants game wearing an Amani Toomer jersey. I believe Toomer is managing a Round Table pizza in Parsippany now. Buy another damn jersey, cheapskate.

Toomer was a pretty decent player that spent his entire career with the Giants, so I bet you can get away with wearing a Toomer jersey to a Giants game. In fact, it makes the statement you didn't jump on the bandwagon in the 2007 season. Actual fans can tell the difference. Bears example: Tom Waddle= OK. Rex Grossman= not so much.

Jersey Rule No. 7: If you have a nose tackle body, you must wear a nose tackle's jersey. We do not need to see your 385 pounds busting out of a DeSean Jackson jersey. It's unseamly.

Eh, that was ok, I suppose they can't all be double-meta. Also, you're allowed to be a fan of whoever you want, no matter what size you are. Jackass.

Jersey Rule No. 8: Absolutely no cutesy wrong-color jerseys. No pink Yankees jerseys.

I thought you said girl jerseys were OK? Or is this more homophobia?

No camouflage Cowboys jerseys. And no new University of Maryland jerseys. They look like an explosion at a Benjamin Moore store.

"You kids and your new-fangled uniforms with more than one color! Back in my day, we had maroon and white, or white and maroon, and we liked it!"

Jersey Rule No. 9: No wearing NBA shorts with your NBA jersey at any time. Horrible. It makes you look like Red Klotz. (Corollary: Do not wear all-white to watch a tennis match, either. Pathetic.)

I do not know who Red Klotz is.

OK, fine, I'll look it up. Klotz apparently was the coach of the Washington Generals for awhile. He also played for the Baltimore Bullets. No, not the Washington Bullets. God, Reilly is old.

Jersey Rule No. 10: No wearing your jersey anywhere but a) to the stadium or b) home. Nobody at the urologist's office wants to talk about your Ray Lewis jersey.

Unless there are ANY OTHER RAVENS FANS AROUND. Just because you don't care about any sport other than golf, doesn't mean no one does.

If you still qualify under all these edicts, then you must sign these waivers before donning a jersey:

Jersey Waiver A: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving your rights to any sexual activity for the evening. No woman in history has ever said, "Oooh, that guy wearing the jersey of another man! That's hot!"

I'm on my work computer, so I won't do an image search for "jersey sex", but I'm willing to bet this one will be debunked pretty easily, too.

Jersey Waiver B: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any semblance of coolness.

"It's like going to a concert in the T-shirt of the band that's playing that night," says Ari Pillar, 29, who was wearing a simple, cool retro Giants T-shirt Monday night. "It's cooler to wear another band's T-shirt. But wearing a jersey of somebody you're watching? That's way high up the Dork Scale."

I bet Ari Pillar rode a fixed gear bike to the game, knows a grand total of 5 players on the Giants, and thinks Ottis Anderson was a 50s beatnic poet.

(A note on T-shirts: Enough cussing, especially those West F***in Virginia T-shirts that West Virginia fans are wearing. Your athletic director, Oliver Luck, was right. Show a little class. And Ohio State fans: No "Ann Arbor is a whore" T-shirts either. And, Wisconsin students, we've all seen 1,000 variations on "Huck the Fuskers" already. Try something original.)

Point granted. I also think it's dumb to waste money on anti-other team shirts instead of your own team's, but I don't begrudge those that do.

Jersey Waiver C: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any contact with the very person you're worshipping.

"Those are the guys we went out of our way to avoid in the autograph lines," says former Baltimore Ravens QB Trent Dilfer. "They were the ones who wanted your email address."

They were the ones who spent hundreds to thousands of dollars supporting you over the years, and had your back when other fans talked shit about you, and were responsible for whatever endorsement money you might have received. I always had the impression Trent Dilfer wasn't a huge asshole. Guess I was wrong.

Jersey Waiver D: By wearing a jersey to a road game, you waive your right to a busted-free nose. Wearing a Lakers jersey to a Celtics game is like wearing an Obama T-shirt to a Dick Cheney book signing. Bring gauze.

Terrible violent tragedies aside, 99.99% of the time you don't go to a Raiders game in opposing team's gear, you just get a bunch of talk thrown your away, assuming you're not also being a dick.

"My wife tells me it's dangerous," says Giants fan Adam Herman, 31, who spoke from inside a Brandon Jacobs jersey. "But I do it. I wore it in Philly to an Eagles game. It was a little scary, but I got out OK."

Of course, you might not get out OK if you wear another team's jersey to Adam's house.

"Won't happen," he says. "If my friends come over in a Jets jersey, they're not getting in. They can just turn right around. No exceptions."

Adam, I'm begging you and all jerseyites out there: Rent, lease or purchase a life.

One with some class and sophistication. Hmm, indeed. (adjusts monacle)

And it better not involve cowbells.

Don't get it.

Also, if they made golf jerseys, Reilly would wear a Mickelson one every freaking day of his life.