You need advice, Peyton Manning. We need a column. It works out.
You seem to have whittled your Stick Your Neck Out Tour down to four teams: Denver, Arizona, Tennessee and Miami. These teams all want you the way Chelsea wants vodka, yet none of them is even sure you can play anymore. Who cares? You are The Bachelor, and they are four blondes in five-inch heels with daddy issues. Let's do this.
Rick is officially in the TV-watching demographic of a 19 year-old girl. (Full disclosure: I watch Are You There Chelsea, because Lauren Lapkus is awesome.)
You need an unbiased, objective system to break this down. We will work with the time-honored plus/minus system, going from minus-5 to plus-5. Get your calculator out. May the best town win.
Guess how many times he chooses a number besides 5, -5, and 0? But he probably still needed a calculator.
Divisions
Denver plays in a division that could be taken by a team of girl scouts armed with Pez dispensers.
How exactly would Pez dispensers help the girl scouts on the football field? (Is just one of the many questions begged by this joke.)
The Broncos won it last year with a guy who tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer.
Does Hooters even have bouncers? When was the last time you or anyone you know went to Hooters?
Tennessee has a chance to beat Houston if the Titans get you, I suppose. Arizona -- even with you and your brother -- is not going to beat the 49ers.
One good season against a weak schedule and somehow the 49ers are unbeatable. Not that I think he's going to Arizona, but I wouldn't completely count them out with Manning throwing to Fitzgerald.
Miami, going up against Tom Brady twice a year? You'd get to Saturn before you'd get to the playoffs there.
You know you don't have to win the division to go to the playoffs, right? And they'd get to play Buffalo and the Jets twice a year too, right?
Points: Denver +5, Tennessee and Arizona 0, Miami -5.
Wide receivers
In Arizona, you could throw to Larry Fitzgerald Jr., which is like a chef cooking for Vince Wilfork. Hard to beat. But he is only one man, and the Cardinals don't have much beyond him. In Miami, you could throw to Brandon Marshall, if you can throw all the way to Chicago. He just got traded.
Crap, he changed the article a couple hours ago, I had a really good line prepared for this spot, too.
Denver has Demaryius Thomas, who is only 24 and already a ball-gobbling glutton. Plus, the Broncos have a possible star in Eric Decker. Tennessee has receivers even people in Nashville don't recognize. In uniform.
Last year Nate Washington caught two less passes than Erick Decker and Demaryius Thomas combined. Now part of that is Tim Tebow's fault, but the other part is that you don't know about teams that don't play in Denver.
Points: Arizona +5, Denver and Miami 0, Tennessee -5.
Weather
Arizona is paradise in the fall. Miami is sweet, too. Tennessee isn't bad, but neither is Denver. Do you realize the average Denver high in December is 46? That's seven degrees higher than in Indianapolis. Denver also gets about 250 clear, sunny days a year. There's a reason there's no dome in Denver. The Broncos don't need one. Only problem is, if you get Tim Tebow benched, you're going to need a steel umbrella for all the frogs that will rain down.
Points: Arizona and Miami, +5, Tennessee and Denver 0.
This wasn't the best category to back up your claim with. By the way, in Tennessee the average temperature in December is 50.
Cap room
It's not as though you're Tom Brady. You can't throw and catch the passes yourself. You're going to need some help. Denver has by far the most cash to buy help with -- nearly $45 million. The Broncos could pay you and sign ungodly talented Chargers WR Vincent Jackson. Or maybe Reggie Wayne? Or maybe you'd like to bring in your old center, Jeff Saturday? (One career -- one rump.) The Titans have a lot, too: $28M, but you'd have to stop after Vincent. The Dolphins have only about $12M. That will barely pay for you and some towels. The Cardinals are $16M over. Maybe somebody forgot to explain to Cards owner Mike Bidwill that the NFL is not a trust fund?
I think the idea is if they signed Peyton, they wouldn't need Kevin Kolb, which would bring them down significantly.
Points: Denver and Tennessee +5, Miami 0, Arizona -5.
Super Bowls
You and your brother Eli have always had a dream to play against each other in a Super Bowl. Can't do that if you go to Arizona.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm 100% positive this is not part of Peyton's decision making process.
Points: Tennessee, Miami and Denver +5. Arizona 0.
Crime
Here's the 2010 murder rate per 100,000 people. Hey, you have to consider these things. Denver 3.6; Phoenix 7.6; Nashville 8.9, Miami 15.4. So, in Denver, your chances of being murdered are low. In Miami, you're basically a metal donkey at a shooting gallery. How good is your flak jacket?
And here we get really stupid. First of all, Peyton already lives in South Florida. What, do you think if he plays in Miami people are going to line up to shoot at him when he steps foot in the city?
Points: Denver +5, Arizona and Tennessee 0, Miami -5
Coaches/Front office
You're practically a coach already, but you can't make all the decisions. Miami's rookie head coach Joe Philbin has been in the NFL for just nine years. You have wristbands older than that. Tennessee has Mike Munchak coming off his first season as a head coach. Arizona has a good one in Ken Whisenhunt. Denver has a 10-year head-coaching vet in John Fox, who is a player's coach. Also, you might like to end up running a team after you're through playing. What better guy to watch every day than John Elway? And don't forget, Elway won his two Super Bowls at 37 and 38. You're 35. He'll know what you need. Miami, meanwhile, changes GMs the way Gold Club dancers change outfits.
Points: Denver and Arizona +5, Tennessee and Miami -5.
Peyton went to the Super Bowl with Jim Caldwell as his coach, so this one's pretty much a moot point. You just wanted to work John Elway in somewhere.
Golf
So he not only includes a category about golf, he actually spends an entire paragraph breaking down the fucking golf courses in the four cities. We have a strict "No Golf" policy at Chitown Sports, so I'll spare you the boring details here. and skip to the next one.
Points: Denver and Arizona +5, Miami 0, Nashville -5.
Comfort
Phoenix is the sixth-largest city in America. It's a nice place if you like 1.5 million people and only three highways. Nashville and Denver are smaller, fly-over cities, even smaller than Indy. Miami feels like home if your home is in Caracas. Besides, you have a vacation condo in Miami. If you start working there, too, vacation becomes work. No good.
Nice spin on that one. I'm sure if Denver was a big city that wouldn't somehow be a negative, it would be along the lines of how Peyton would never want to play in a podunk town like Nashville. Instead it's "quaint"
Points: Tennessee and Denver +5, Arizona 0, Miami -5.
Lifestyle
You have twins, a boy and a girl. You need to think about where you want to raise them. Do you want them to grow up to be singers (Tennessee), skiers (Denver), golfers (Arizona) or assisted-living nurses (Miami)?
Points: None. No judging. Just saying.
And finally …
Arizona ranks first in the nation in number of ant species. (Your two 1-year-old girls aren't going to like that.) Nashville ranks first in the nation in Internet shopping. (Uh-oh. No real shopping. Your wife isn't going to like that.) Miami ranks first in international freight. (Do you like barges?) And Denver ranks first in beer production per capita.
I like how he includes this paragraph to make it look like he's in on the joke. Nice try, Rick.
Points: Denver +5, everybody else 0.
So, let's see where you should go, according to our entirely objective and arbitrary system:
Denver +40
Arizona +15
Tennessee 0
Miami -10
(We'll keep a cold one waiting for you.)
He honestly would fit best in Denver. I think they'd be a contender in the AFC. But now I have to hope he signs with Miami. Just because I can't take more of this every third week.
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